domingo, 21 de noviembre de 2010

2010 How to Survive Guide for Driving in Puerto Rico

2010 How to Survive Guide for Driving in Puerto Rico
If you're ever in the need to drive in the streets "Of Puerto Rico, the following rules may help you get to your destination safely” On Starting your Car Implore your Higher Power and ask for divine intervention in protecting you against the perils of the Puerto Rican streets. Be careful with the confidentreverse driver. This type of driver is famous for backing his/her car with a complete disregard of whatever is on its path. If you encounter one of thesedrivers then you are just in time for to practice the Puerto Rican driver greeting.

1. The Puerto Rican Driver Greeting

When greeting a Puerto Rican driver, slowly lower your windows and be
prepared to kindly greet the driver with: "Tu madre; pendejo"
However, if you have already been kindly addressed by a fellow driver, reply
with a joyful: "La tuya, cabron" (Showing the middle finger is deeply appreciated)

On Turn signals
: If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably greet you with the middle finger and you already know what to do.

2. On Traffic Lights

From pure observation I have determined the following instructions
for each color:

a. Yellow light: Accelerate your car as much as possible. And Just pass the light.

b. Red light: This light gives permission to the next five to six cars to
go through. (Just don’t close your eyes)

c. Green light: (This one is tricky): Reduce speed and wait for the five to six cars passing through their respective red lights. But cross your fingers yellow lite doesn’t come on.

3. Little Known Fact (Could save you life)

Time to start honking your horn as soon as the light turns green: =
1.5 seconds +/- (It could be less depending at the time of day)

4. On Traffic Jams

Traffic jams are filled with fun-filled activities such as:

1. Honking your horn rhythmically
2. Put on make-up (usually female drivers only)
3. Nose-pickers sightseeing (not to be confused with people who
scratch their brains through their nose.
4. Reduce speed to watch whatever is causing the traffic jam. Add
excitement by trying to see if you know the parties involved. (Note:
Every Puerto Rican driver is obligated to do this).
5. Lose weight by sweating like a pig as a result of lack of air
6. Greet other drivers.
7. Practice lane changing.
8. Play the game: "Let's see how close I can get to you before
rear-ending you".
9. Texting while driving to Twitter, Boritweeter (Latin Twiter) or FaceBook

5. On Pedestrians

These individuals are an annoyance to the Puerto Rican driver. If you
see pedestrians in your way. Accelerate your car to let them know
who's the boss. If you're at an intersection, let the pedestrians know
you want to proceed by flinging your car at them.

On Social SituationsBumping with a friend while driving is a joyful occasion. Drivers should reduce speed and stop their cars in the middle of the street and chit chat. What about other drivers? Well, they can wait.

6. On Highway Driving

The Police Alert Network: If you see a cop while driving through the,
Highway you must advise other drivers about the cop's proximity by
flashing your headlights even during the day. By doing this you will
help speeding cars, people in stolen cars, and potential escaped
convicts avoid an unpleasant situation

The Three-Lane-Change: This movement requires a lot of precision and
creativity. It should be done around the highest number of cars
possible and in a matter of seconds to create what others may refer to
as widespread panic.

7. On Highway Tolls
There are simple etiquette rules on how to behave at a Puerto Rican

a. If you don't have enough change or only have dollar bills, go to
the EXACT CHANGE lane. This will give you the opportunity to get out
of your car and look for change at another toll booth as other drivers
greet you. (Especially with the middle finger)

b. Practice your hoops by throwing the coins as far as possible. You
will get extra points if one of them does not get in. (This will take a bit more time
if you start looking for the darn coin)

c. If there's traffic jam to get through the tolls, try changing
lanes, other drivers really appreciate you cutting in ahead of

d. Wait until the last moment possible to get the change required for
the toll, preferably, wait until it's your turn.

e. Wait until the last moment possible to change from the Express Lane (Auto Expresso)
to the CHANGE lane toll, preferably wait until the last minute.

8. The Ten Most Dangerous Drivers in Puerto Rico

a. Anyone driving in a Hyundai. Inside every Hyundai is the soul of
an Indy 500 car, or at least the drivers of these "bikes with roof’
would make you think so.

b. People who drive while talking on their cellular phones.
(Essentially, this means that the entire driving population is dangerous.)

c. Any kid driving mom/dad's car. dangerousness increases With the
cost of the car. (Figure it for your self)

d. Anyone driving a Sport Utility Vehicle. Dangerousness increases if
the driver is female, and becomes lethal if she has young children in
the car, is talking on the cell phone, or is applying make-up.

e. Old people driving big American-made cars. The wither the hair the
bigger the car, the more dangerous.

f. Ford Crown Victorias, Mercury Grand Marquis, Ford Expedition. The car itself isn't dangerous, but this is the car of our illustrious legislators and
government officials use and, of course, they are exempt from
observing any traffic laws. (More dangerous if they are peeing)

h. If at the traffic light, you can feel the bass vibrations from the
car next to you, and the music is "underground rap" or “reggaeton”, by definition,
the driver is dangerous. (Move away fast)

i. Any truck. Not only are they exempt from the weight limits, they
are also exempt from any driving laws. (Move away fast)

j. On Friday nights on the Las Americas, Luis A. Ferre, De Diego, and
Baldorioty de Castro Expressways, all drivers are dangerous,
regardless of sex, religion, race, or national origin. (They are all drunk or stoned by then) (Move away fast)

k. Anyone behind the wheel of a Ford Mustang 5.0 Liter. Not used by
the government, but our "import/export" businessmen favor this car,
and they are not to be disagreed with.

Hope these small tips help you have a great time here at Puerto Rico and reach your destinations in a safely manner. If you don’t have to drive take a taxi, it’s Safer. Good Luck and safe trip back home.

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